What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I write beautiful poetry .

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

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I said to her

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

So whats the point in blame.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

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This is how, and why children get BPD.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I have no regrets .

Why do almost all vertebrates have tails, but not apes and frogs?

As i do to all so called friends.?

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

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But it wasn’t much.

Put me off passion for life!!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

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Where the ultimate outsiders.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I think the readers, may guess!

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She married twice! .

I will be 64.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

What is the impact of being stereotyped as poor on an individual's life? How does it make them feel?

Im dying but, im not bitter.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

This is soul school!.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

My family never makes their pension either.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I was scared of men, in general

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I don,t even have a pension.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Ive learnt so much.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

All the time i was locked up.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I was very sick at this time too.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

My life is so biszare .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I could never make a relationship work though!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Would this be the day?

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I waited trembling.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

What did i know ?

Who then, do I blame.?

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

It was going to be , some day.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I was 9 years of age.

I was seconnd youngest,

He knew the spot.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

When she asked me how she looked .

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

One cannot live in the past .

So, i spoilt her more .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Im still living with it.

We all went to grammer schools

Was to survive, this bastard.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

But, we were locked up after school.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

She found it foreign!.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I never cut or harmed myself..

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

She wouldn,t have been !

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Why did i forgive my father ?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I couldn’t, believe it.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

She was in good health!

We were not on the streets..

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She loved him until the end.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Especially a lifetime of it.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

And i lived it daily.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Comes on , in middle age.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!